Throughout the history of mankind, when a new medium of art or communication has been discovered, it generally hasn’t taken very long for us to figure out how to hijack this new discovery and turn it into a hotbed of hardcore pornography. Give a caveman a chisel, and he’s going to have a cave full of boob carvings in no time. The first porn movie was made just one year after the world’s first feature-length film. Hell, even the Internet in the 1980s and early ’90s was largely educational, with most of its content coming from colleges and universities. But now that it’s been opened up to the public, it’s chock full of porn up the wazoo, including sites based around inserting things up the wazoo. Large things.
The second after Bubble Bath Babes in the infamous Panesian trilogy of NES porn games, Hot Slots will not light your loins, or any other standby body parts, on fire, though it does indeed contain slot machines. Hot Slots Rom Nes It is our priority to provide players with an entertainment site that follows the international gaming standards. Social responsibility and player’s protection remain as our prime concern. Hot Slots Rom Nes 88ProBet strives to provide a comfortable and responsible gaming environment by offering assistance to players in need.
Now, we as a species don’t do this because we don’t value expressing ourselves artistically or communicating with others in some form. It’s just that we just like jacking off a lot more.
Videogames aren’t much different as a medium. Sure it started out innocuously enough—Spacewar, Pong, tic tac toe. But then came the Atari 2600, and it dared to dream what porn might look like if one were to capture human sex acts using fewer pixels than can be counted on one hand (as we have previously discussed).
Though one weird thing about the console videogame porn industry is that, as the technology has progressed and become more and more capable of displaying imagery that’s actually sexually arousing, fewer and fewer porno games have been made.
To illustrate this point, I give you the NES’s collection of porn games. Despite technical advances in graphics, less than half as many exist as did for the Atari, and none of these even attempted to depict the hardcore sex acts that were (arguably) displayed on the older system.
Peek-a-Boo Poker
Peek-a-Boo Poker is the first of three games today from a developer of unlicensed adult NES games, Panesian. This one is probably the most traditional of the three, as most people are familiar with the concept of strip poker.
You start off playing poker with one of three ladies of your choosing, and once you win a certain amount of chips from her, you get to see short scenes of her in various states of undress while she delivers some of the most poorly written allusions to sexual situations I’ve ever heard, including:
“Think I’m sexy? I’ll rip off my top and show you my wild pair.”
Wait…but if you have a pair, it isn’t wild; it’s just a pair. Even if you did have two wild cards you’d have to have at least one other one to go with it, so that would be three of a kind. And that shit doesn’t exist outside of Total Recall.
“Don’t worry, Joker. Anything’s wild.”
Anything’s wild? Sounds like it would make for a whole lot of stalemates.
“Feeling lucky tonight? Wanna fill up my house!”
Oh, OK, sure. We going to have a party or something, or is this just like phonebooth stuffing on a grander scale?
Bubble Bath Babes
Bubble Bath Babes forgets the golden rule of any good Letter to Penthouse—”tell it slow”—as the game starts you out with a fully naked woman at the bottom of the screen. What am I supposed to work toward now? If you said “shutting off the game, evaluating your station in life and regaining a shred of self-respect”, you win.
This game kind of plays like Sega’s Columns, where you have to match like-colored pieces to get rid of them. The difference being that A. this game sucks and B. you get crude 8-bit women of ill repute undressing between levels.
Choice lines in this one:
“You’re the luckiest man in the world, you get to soak in my suds.”
You know, unless I had some kind of niche bathwater fetish I’d imagine there may be luckier people out there.
“Way to go Hot Shot! Care to lather me up?”
Sure…you mean with Herpecin, I trust?
“Bubbling Bunny wants you to pop my bubble now! I bet I can make your’s burst.”
Bubbling Bunny is a big fan of poor grammar and mixed metaphors.
Hot Slots
As you have probably already guessed, Hot Slots is a slot machine game where, once you win enough money, you are “rewarded” with crude drawings of women undressing and some of my favorite awful lines:
“My box is full and it’s time for you to cash in!”
I like to believe this means I can pull her arm and a barrage of quarters will flow from her lady parts.
“Score some more and I’ll let you play with my Lucky Slot.”
Because all the classy girls choose their sexual partners based on their luck with slot machines.
“I see you’ve got some stiff competition in your hends.”
Let’s, for a moment, overlook that glaring spelling error and assume you’re insinuating that I am masturbating while playing this game. Are you trying to say that my penis is playing against me? Oh, it is on, penis. IT IS ON!
“Get ready to play with my hot slot.”
I see what you did there, using the title of the game.
“Are you going to rack up my charries?”
OK, there’s a whole lot wrong with this one. Let’s begin with “charries”. Again, I’m willing to forgive the spelling error. However, if they were using this as a colloquialism for “vagina” I would like to know how one racks one up and also, what kind of genetic deformity this woman is that she has to pluralize it. Which brings me to the “rack up” portion of that sentence. I probably have the biggest problem with this part because racking up is a fucking pool term. Seriously, some rudimentary research into the topic you’re making ham-handed sexy talk about is in order here.
Honey Peach
Honey Peach seems to be kind of a strip rock/paper/scissors world tour game. You start off playing against an Indian woman and must win three rounds of rock/paper/scissors to get her fully undressed. You then move onto someone who appears to be Spanish, Chinese, and then the game seems to forget the around-the-world theme and moves onto what looks like a flight attendant, Japanese schoolgirl and a secretary.
Playing through the game, you’ll quickly find that it has an excellent way of making you work for those 8-bit boobs—by shamelessly cheating like a filthy son of a bitch. If you choose scissors, they chose rock, if you choose paper, they chose scissors, and they will continue to outwit you well beyond the limitations of all statistical probability.
This one doesn’t have any dialog, which I thought was kind of a shame. The lines kind of write themselves—especially on the Indian level, I felt I was missing out on possible lines like, “Taking off my sarong never felt sa-right!” or “I’d like to charm YOUR snake.” Or the ever popular, “Put your penis in my vagina.”
Wild Ball
The other four games were mildly entertaining, if stupid, affairs, but this one just kind of makes you think “oh, that’s sad”.
This is another rock/paper/scissors deal, but this time there’s only one girl and she sits there, motionless except for her clothing, which gets whisked away into space when you choose rock, paper, or scissors correctly while what sounds to be a horribly out-of-tune Chinese folk song plays in the background. When you win you’re treated to a nude girl who has no nipples, and then the clothes re-appear and the game starts over.
This game is kind of creepy and just creates this feeling of sadness because, at best, it simulates all the fun of spending your Saturday night alone stripping a paper doll nude for sexual gratification. At worst, it simulates sitting alone stripping a motionless dead girl while listening to a broken music box. Kind of a buzzkill; at least I could laugh at the others.
Also, the game’s name is a non-sequitur because there is nothing wild in this game and, testicle jokes aside, there is also nothing ball-related.
Top of the Heap
Peek-A-Boo Poker
Peek-a-Boo Poker went a little bit farther than its peers by wrapping its brand of NES porn around a game that’s actually playable rather than just slot machines, shitty Columns or Rochambeau. Was it arousing? No, this game wouldn’t give me a chub on my most hard-up day and the poker game itself was better in Casino Kid, but it’s a passable novelty, if a bit on the easy side due to incredibly stupid AI.
Nintendo has a history of aggressive censorship, but occasionally some 8-bit nudity slipped past their watchful eye.
Nudity and video games have never really mixed.
Sure, since even the Atari days, people have integrated sex into video games (games like Custer’s Revenge and Burning Desire featured blocky characters doin’ it). The Leisure Suit Larry games took double entendres to a level that would make a Three’s Company writer say, “Whoa, slow down.” And in today’s modern video games, kids can take a quick break from committing grand theft auto to rape a prostitute, so that’s cool.
But while sex has found a smooth integration with video games… nudity has not. My theory: Older video games were too pixelated and/or cartoonish to be sexy… and any nudity in modern video games would hit the uncanny valley. (They even discussed that on an old episode of 30 Rock.)
Yet that hasn’t stopped anyone from trying.
Here are the finest 11 nude moments from old school NES games. In theory, this list might be not safe for work… though these screenshots are about 500 miles away from actual nudity.
1 | Taboo: The Sixth Sense
Long before the sixth sense was associated with Mischa Barton vomiting brown milk onto Bruce Willis the Friendly Ghost, it was the subtitle of an aggressively mediocre Nintendo game.
Taboo: The Sixth Sense was a tarot reading “game” for NES. There wasn’t any action or gameplay or anything; it would just give you a quick, generic tarot card reading. No one would ever have spoken about it again, if not for the nudity.
Taboo has the distinction of having the most blatant nudity of any game that was given the “Nintendo Seal of Approval” by the higher-ups. (More on their aggressive censorship policies to come in this list.) One of the tarot cards featured a back view of a nude man and woman.
And another tarot card featured, from what I can see below, a very pixelated view of the chick from Total Recall.
2 | Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse
Nintendo has, historically, worked its little Pacific Northwestian ass off to be a catcher in the rye for American video gamers. With Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse, they took nudity out of the Japanese and European versions of the game before it could hit the U.S. market.
Above are two side-by-side comparisons (via GamesRadar) comparing the overseas and U.S. versions of Castlevania III.
In the first one, you can see they decided to give Medusa a mastectomy… turning her into a buff, snake-haired pink man. And in the second one, they decided a topless statue wasn’t artistic enough to remain that way, so they covered her up. I guess if you’re gonna censor Itchy and Scratchy you’ve got to censor her too.
3 | Kid Icarus
While Castlevania III got the full-on censorship treatment, a few years earlier, Kid Icarus managed to slip almost the same thing past the watchdogs.
(The skeptic in me says “Well, Kid Icarus was produced by Nintendo and Castlevania was produced by a third-party, so you can guess which one got the benefit of the doubt.” The skeptic in me also thinks that the government secretly infected Magic Johnson with AIDS to put a famous face on the disease, though, so perhaps we shouldn’t give the skeptic in me too much credence.)
Above is a screenshot from Kid Icarus where a few topless Venus de Milos (not the gummi version) managed to make the final cut.
I’ve also included an even more scandalous piece of Kid Icarus nudity — in the instruction manual, where they list the various enemies in the game, there’s a blatantly bare-breasted cartoon of a character called “Syren.” Sure, her bare breasts are blue, but that doesn’t make them any less sexualized. (I mean, let’s be honest: When you were watching Avatar, you kinda hoped James Cameron would give you full-frontal on one of his blue giantesses, right?)
4 | Code Name: Viper
I never played this game, but, apparently, in the opening sequence, you take your marching orders while getting your Porky Pig on. One could argue that those are supposed to be khakis, but that’s so much less fun.
5 | River City Ransom
Another case where, somehow, total nudity managed to elude the higher-ups at Nintendo. Here, when you pop into the sauna, they show you toweling off, totally nude, from behind.
I would’ve given Technos, the makers of this game, eternal credit if they’d managed to also slip a glory hole into this scene at Pop’s Health Club. Missed opportunity, company that went out of business 14 years ago!
6 | Monster Party
You know it’s a monster party — and not a nice, regular party — when you’ve got to fight a pair of legs with either (1) an 8-bit vagina (2) an 8-bit anus or (3) Ken-like genitalia. (I can’t tell. Don’t be ashamed to stare deeply and try to analyze what’s goin’ on down there yourself.)
7 | The Little Mermaid
Continuing with Disney’s long history of allegedly slipping dirtiness into their products, here’s a scene from the ending of their Little Mermaid NES game.
It’s hard to tell exactly how much of Arial’s brand-new human buttocks are being shown here — it very well may be just a trace amount — but since it’s Disney, we’ll assume it’s a decent amount.
Triple Red Seven Slots Free
8 | Hot Slots, Peek-a-Boo Poker and Bubble Bath Babes
So these games fall into a different category than any of the others on the list. All three were unauthorized NES games produced by a Taiwanese company called Panesian, and were the only three “porno” games made for the system.
First up is Hot Slots, which appears to have been a painfully boring slot machine game. The cut scenes then show women in various states of undress making many, many sexual puns. (Did you know that a vagina can be referred to as a “slot”? ‘Cause this game is gonna punch you in the face with that particular slice of uninspired wordplay.)
Of all the games, the nudity seems the most graphic; in fact, below, I decided to include a non-nude cut screen, because many of the other ones out there really did seem too dirty to use.
Peek-A-Boo Poker is more of the same — some weak casino game action spliced in with some predictable 8-bit erotica. I like how they tried to turn the word “poker” into a sexual innuendo by naming a character “Pok-Er Penny.” That makes a lot more sense than Double Dealing Debbie. Are they saying she’s got large breasts, or she’s into threesomes and/or adultery?
And finally, there’s Bubble Bath Babes, which is kinda like Tetris… but with more awkwardly-shaped pieces and a nude woman sitting at the bottom of your tub. At least she wasn’t modeled after any of those questionable, questionable women from the box cover.
(This also made me flashback to a game that got rampantly passed around when I was in college — a Tetris knock-off where you had to match nude male and female “pieces” up in sexual positions. I gave up on the game because, as a Tetris and Dr. Mario aficionado, I felt the play control on Sextris was spotty at best.)
9 | Maniac Mansion
Maniac Mansion is famous for the amount of censorship it incurred — including, at one point, Nintendo objecting to an arcade game called Kill Thrill in the background of one scene, so the developers passive-aggressively changing the title to Tuna Diver.
Above is a pre-censoring screenshot of a nude female statue from the game.
I guess this would be a good chance to address a sub-thesis of this list: Pretty much none of this NES nudity is even remotely stimulating.
How To Pick A Winning Slot Machine
Like, even if you’re a 12-year-old boy with an inferno of hormones, are you really going to see this scene in Maniac Mansion, pause the game and really get to know yourself? (I’m talking about a 12-year-old boy back in 1990 when the game came out, by the way, not one today who has an unlimited supply of porn at his fingertips once he figures out his parents’ Net Nanny password is either his birthday, the dog’s name or the word “password.”)
I’m not saying that nudity should’ve stayed in these censored game because it’s harmless; I’m saying that it shouldn’t have been included in the first place because it’s pointless. (Other than, decades later, giving me fodder for an 11 Points list. Which I really do appreciate.)
10 | The Magic of Scheherazade
These NES breasts are scary, red and look like they’d be rock hard in a bad way… but, sad to say, I’ve actually seen even worse breasts than these. In person. Recently. (I was at the Clermont Lounge in Atlanta last week. If you’ve ever been, you know exactly what I’m getting at.)
11 | Kid Niki 3
This isn’t from the game Kid Niki: Radical Ninja — which I actually, regrettably played as a kid. It’s from a Japanese sequel that, inexplicably, had a level where the background featured a chubby kid peeing on you. Makes sense that this never made it to America — in a culture devoid of octopus porn and vending machines that sell used schoolgirl underwear, we can’t simply write off “getting peed on.”
Unless while it’s happening someone’s singing the remix to Ignition.
—